Hi Liz,

I am currently conducting a job search and have run into a problem that I am
unsure how to talk through on interviews. Most of my over 18 years experience
has been in Purchasing, however my current position is a commissioned sales
position. I have been at my current position over two years. I made this career
change because I thought I wanted to be an interior designer. Most of my clients
are interior designers. I thought it would help me decide if that is what I
wanted to do. During this two years, I took a few classes in interior design, as
well. As you can guess, I don't want to be an interior designer through these
experiences. I did take a large paycut to do this. I do have a supportive
husband, who agreed with my decision. I am having a hard time having employers
understanding how I could have taken a large paycut to do this. I would
appreciate any advice on how I can talk through this with confidence. Thanks!

Brenda


--------------------------- LIZ'S REPLY-------------------------


Dear Brenda,

There are two ways to think about a career change like this. One approach is
fear-based and the other is confidence-based.

An interviewer may think, "Oh, Brenda probably HAD to take that job, why else
would she do it?" Very confidently you can say, "After 18 years on the buying
side, I wanted to try something new and I knew my reputation and my resume could
easily withstand whatever learning - easy or difficult - my first commissioned
sales job brought with it."

It is the American Dream, in a sense, to get to a point in your career where you
can take risks. That's just what you did!

You can say "I wanted to learn the interior design business, and I wanted to get
experience selling. I accomplished both of those things and I'm delighted -- and
more clear than ever that my calling is X."

Let people believe that you're independently wealthy! The more confident, breezy
and stalwart you are in an interview, the more quickly this issue will fade
away. Let's say you get the direct (rude!) question, "How could you afford to
take such a large pay cut?"

Your answer will be a pleasant-but-quizzical mini-smile and the reply, "You
know, as I made my career-shift plan, finances were not a concern, but the
prospect of losing steam in my previous career worried me a bit. Two years
later, though, the benefits of logging some time and hundreds of phone calls in
the sales arena are clear to me." (Big smile.)

Take care -- Liz


My Career Altitude workshops take place virtually twice a week (on Wednesday
evenings and Saturday mornings) and face-to-face in northern Colorado, to get
people through job-search obstacles, share ideas and learn what works in a 2009
job search. Hope you can join us for one of those! The details are at
http://www.asklizryan.com/careeraltitude.html, or reach me at
liz@....

I agree with everything Lora has said.

The cure for my severe depression turned out to be a) a CPAP machine and
b) a change in diet.

Therapy won't change a breathing problem! Over and again I was told to
look deep into my past for the answers...my "sleeping for 12 hours" was
surely a sign of just how depressed I was. Except that when I did my
sleep study they found I woke up after 4 minutes and barely entered REM
sleep! And it took 10 years of suffering to get to that point. :/

Everyone is different. Some people have chemical imbalances, some people
have traumatic backgrounds, some people have a mix of both.

Only you can tell if what you are trying is actually working.

-Cheryl

-----Original Message-----
From: asklizryan@yahoogroups.com [mailto:asklizryan@yahoogroups.com] On
Behalf Of Lora Freeman
Sent: Wednesday, November 25, 2009 8:13 AM
To: Liz Ryan
Subject: [Ask Liz Ryan] Re. Depression Treatment

I will offer a slightly different take on treating depression.

[snip]

Hi Kelly,

           First I would reconcile myself to the fact that this person is not
'friend material' any longer, if she ever was.  Your lifestyles and values
do not have enough in common to feed a friendship.  With that established
firmly in my mind I would either inform her that I no longer wish to
maintain a friendship and then sever any connection with her OR I would
simply sever all connections, depending on whether I considered her
dangerous to my child or myself.  Then I would call Child Protective
Services to report her on the grounds of neglect.throwing food on the floor
for a baby to eat IS neglect, not bathing children IS neglect, and not
providing a healthy home IS neglect.  The CPS can take it from there,
providing her with child rearing advice and incentives to maintain those
parameters in the form of ongoing inspections, fines, and possible loss of
custody.

           Here is the dire thought that would fuel my desire to take action:
What if she is suffering from some sort of postpartum depression or mental
illness (her behavior certainly does seem odd and detrimental to the
children) and by doing nothing I contribute to a possible tragedy?  What if
the birth of this next child pushes her over the edge and she does something
unthinkable?  Don't think that could happen?  That's just what the friends
and family of that woman in Texas thought before she killed all five of her
children.

Marilyn











[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I will offer a slightly different take on treating depression.



What is accepted as proven here in the U.S. is not the global - or highest -
standard.  St. John's Wort is routinely proscribed by European physicians
because of its ability to actually heal seratonin uptake in the brain. It's not
just something that makes one feel good temporarily, unless, of course, intense
stress wears down the neurological system again over time.



Counseling is a broad term, and it does not differentiate between modalities
practiced.  Talk therapy in itself doesn't have a great success rate with
depression. Methods like EMDR and "Brainspotting" are finding some great
results.



Exercise isn't just a "temporary fix."  It's potentially a lifestyle change that
can alter one's physiology adequately to reduce or eliminate mild depression. 
Our bodies need motion to be happy, and even animals who are kept immobile will
become depressed and anxious. (Per recent studies on mice, it takes about 60
days to make adequate physiological changes via activity that effect one's
depression/anxiety levels.)



Even trained professionals will miss the causes of depression at times.  I had
doctors/other professionals for years tell me to get therapy, which I did. It
was very interesting, and I became much more self-aware...and still depressed. I
eventually found a physician who also tested for food sensitivities. Within six
days of changing my diet, my life was changed. My mood was altered - much more
steady, not the low-lows, and I was able to think more clearly to deal through
life situations. We often look at medications as a way to accomplish this, and
very few physicians will ask a depressed person how much sugar they are
consuming or what their responses are to gluten, and so on.



It is essential to have a medical provider you trust to work with, who can
monitor the depression and coordinate treatment, but it is also essential not to
give away your own power to research, to look for other experts on the issue, to
continue to seek for causes that your physician may not be looking for, and to
try the non-medical things that can add just a little bit of energy to your life
(i.e., guarding your sleep, exercising regularly, developing a good support
system, eating well...). I got lucky that I got a recommendation to see a doctor
who looked for the right thing - but I was 35 years old already and had suffered
with this for a long time before somebody even thought to ask the right
questions.



Peace and good luck!



Lora

I just wanted to ditto Lynette's post. We saw the Blind Side last weekend and
LOVED IT! It is quite possibly one of the best movies I've ever seen and it a
real spirit lifter in perfect time for the holidays!


Michelle

Orly,
My brother is a Physics prof.  He has looked at the magnets and said there is no
validity to them.

But I do want to take a few lines to say that a lot of what Marilyn says is true
but it is not 100%.

Too many times medications become a fix all.  Depression is over diagnosed and
drugs become an easy answer.

But sometimes the cause is not external.  Some times it is truly chemical
imbalances.

I suffer from depression and have been on a low dose medicine for 8 years.  When
I started doing the medicine I was eating right, exercising, work was good and I
have done a lot of spiritual work for  many years. I have done a lot of very
intense self evaluation work with the assistance of others as well.

Finally I am a Christian.  I went to two friends who would probably be
identified fundamentalist.  While they are not professionals after talking with
me they both said they thought the problem was chemical.  Keep in mind
fundamentalist Christians don't tend to believe in a chemically based
depression.

I have always been very leery of getting on a medication.  My father was a
recovering alcoholic and even though I did not inherit the "alcohol gene" I am
concerned about developing a dependency  However I got to the point I thought I
was going to explode.

When I sat down with my doc he talked to me about more recent research around
seratonin and how sometimes it has a role in depression.  One of the newer
anti-depressant classes of medications are SI's (seratonin inhibitors.)  About
half the time 6-12 months of use will regulate the seratonin and allow the
person to go off the drug.  Unfortunately I was in the 50% that don't self
regulate.

My point is one size does not fit all and you need to deal with qualified
professionals.

--- In asklizryan@yahoogroups.com, "ORLY" <orlyavidor@...> wrote:
>
> Hello to group members,
> Has anyone heard of the Nikken Magnets to treat depression- how
useful/successful? Thanks, Orly A.
>

Kelly, I'm over 50 years old and only in the last year or two have I trusted
the world enough to start saying what is really true about how I feel. I was
afraid for so long that if I didn't control what I said then people might get
mad. Well, I figured out as a result of a divorce (and many other things) that
even if I *did* control what I say, people might get mad. So where are we?  I
could be myself, or I could try to be something else, and either way people
might get mad. (or hurt)

Actually in looking for friends, I would say it is imperative I be who I am,
because that way I'll end up being friends with people who like me the way I
am. If the way I am turns others off, well, where's the loss there?

I have been pretty consistent lately about saying what I am really feeling.
After all, it is the truth. And I have found two things, both surprising to
me. One is that saying what I really feel, as long as it is done respectfully,
has actually brought me closer to my friends, not farther.  Everyone seems to
*appreciate*, not dislike, the fact that I took the risk of saying how I feel.
The other thing is that I am so much happier and relaxed. In retrospect it was
so hard to worry about what I could say that would properly control the other
person so they won't get mad. It is so easy to not do that, just worry about
understanding how I feel and then saying that and not backing down.

Let's see, the truth is you're not feeling very comfortable around her due to
differences in your parenting styles. "It makes me feel uncomfortable when I
see you ignoring your children, and I don't want to get judgmental but have a
hard time not going there, so I stay away."  If you use "I" statements like
that, then if she gets mad, oh well. Respect her enough to tell her your
feelings, and let her decide if she wants to move away from you ...the
alternative that you move away from her and she never knows why is mystifying
to her.  Don't back down, it is the truth.
Sarah

   _____

From:  Kelly W

The part I'd like suggestions on is:
1) She is very hurt that I haven't hung out and wonders why. What do I say?
She is very sensitive...
2) Despite all our differences and my dislikes about her ways, she is kind and
she is sincere about our friendship (that I do like about her). We've been
friends for a few years and she takes our friendship seriously. What do I do
about the friendship in this case? End it? keep it? keep it light & distanced?
(but she questions why it's distanced)....




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Since you want to remain friends with this woman, then you need to do it on
terms that you are comfortable.



I think that meeting at a neutral place or your home are the best.   Make
sure that her kids understand that there are rules at your house, "take
shoes off when coming in, no jumping on the couches, snacks/drinks provided
but they must sit at the table OR a kiddie table, etc"    You will find that
the kids will respond positively - they like order and routines.   Kids need
stability.  They need to learn social rules/roles.   You will have to watch
her kids as well as your own and stop them when they misbehave - and you
will have to do it so that she doesn't take offense - not so easy.



The mother - she may be depressed and overwhelmed.  She may need help but
doesn't know how to ask or is afraid of the cost or in denial.  If you try
to help her, she will probably become angry and deny anything is wrong.
You cannot change someone else.   The best you can do is apply some 'peer
pressure' by setting an example of what a good mom is and maintaining your
house.   You can tell her that you are uncomfortable with her going through
your cabinets.  Stop her, ask her is she is hungry and then, offer her
something to eat or drink.  She may get angry but it is not her home.   If
she wants to change, you can help.



My experience is that the kids will respond well to the new rules.  The mom
probably will feel that you acting superior to her and she may decide not to
talk to you anymore or be angry with you.  You need to respond with gentle
honesty.  Eventually, you may break through with her.  It will be a lot of
work.  She probably needs some professional counseling which she will
probably resist.



Good luck.





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I have been through this scenario, unfortunately with my daughter.  What you
describe is child neglect and it is the law in most (maybe every) state that
if you know about it, you must report it to social services.  These reports
are always kept anonymous.  As hard as this is to do, sometimes it has a
good ending.  My grandchildren were placed in my home for a while.  During
that time, my daughter went through all the stages of grief and stayed for
about a year in the anger phase.  It was very hard on everyone but she
eventually realized she would not get her children back unless she grew up
and got her act together.  She has worked hard to learn how to parent, keep
a healthy house and healthy meals on the table, and put the needs of her
kids as a priority.  She is now in nursing school and doing very well.  I
totally believe she would never have turned around and her kids would be
delinquents instead of A students had someone not reported her to social
services.

Reporting her to social services doesn't mean that they will take her kids
away, they often give parenting advice, support, and watch a situation to
make sure it gets better.  No one is doing these kids any favors by allowing
this situation to go unchecked.

A user of the small Olympus with the small cassettes for years, a year
or more ago I began looking at digital offerings.  Once again I went
with Olympus.  I use it in large rooms and small, with few people and
many...it is terrific!


It is small, has a USB connection and has great battery life with one
AAA battery.  No one can separate me from my Olympus!  J

After the few responses I received offline, I thought I should clarify my
original post.

This friend does have a husband, and both their families are close in their
lives. I don't know what her husband thinks of what she does (or doesn't do)
with their kids, but he is at work during the day anyways and they seem to have
a happy family. None of this is really my business, and my concern isn't about
"child abuse" as I know it's just her "parenting style".  (I know she's not
doing much "parenting" but she is a proud mom of 4). All I know is that due to
these things (that I don't like), I no longer enjoy being close and I'm not sure
how to handle the friendship and the situation.

The part I'd like suggestions on is:
1) She is very hurt that I haven't hung out and wonders why. What do I say?  She
is very sensitive...
2) Despite all our differences and my dislikes about her ways, she is kind and
she is sincere about our friendship (that I do like about her). We've been
friends for a few years and she takes our friendship seriously. What do I do
about the friendship in this case? End it? keep it? keep it light & distanced?
(but she questions why it's distanced)....

I appreciate all your feedback.

I'm interviewing at a company that underwent major scandals due to its former
CEO (i.e. nepotism, fraudulent financial activity, ethics issues). All of these
scandals were reported in the press about five years ago. How can I address
these issues in the interview? I would (delicately) like to know if the company
has bounced back from this turmoil or if it is still working its way out of
muddy waters. Since I'm interviewing for a PR position, I feel it would be
remiss not to mention these issues. However, I don't want to offend the hiring
managers. Any advice would be much appreciated!

Thank you,
Rupa

------------------ NOTE FROM LIZ:-------------------------

Dear Rupa,

Since you're a PR person, the hiring manager will expect you to determine on
your own whether the company's image has bounced back sufficiently well for you
to consider joining them. I'd suggest that you begin by assuming they've
recovered brilliantly, and ask them how they did it. For instance:

THEY: So, any other questions, Rupa?
YOU: Yes -- as a PR person with a bit of experience in crisis PR, I'm very
interested in your take on the company's journey from the incident five years
ago, up to today. Can you share with me how you navigated those waters, and
perhaps the most important strategic moves that allowed you to surmount the
challenge? I'm sure there is a great story there!

This way, you're complimenting the PR manager. In the unlikely event that s/he
says "We just forgot about it and hoped everyone else would, too," you may think
twice about the job, but more likely you'll get the inside scoop on how the
company managed its way back from PR Hell.

Best of luck! Liz

Liz and group,


A few years back, I interviewed at an education foundation that was trying to
gain notoriety. I suggested that they partner with a celebrity who was
passionate about providing books to disenfranchised youth. I mapped out how
working with one certain celebrity (who had his own radio show at the time)
would be the golden ticket to gaining exposure. The hiring manager immediately
pulled out a pad of paper and started taking notes as I blurted out a PR
campaign surrounding this celebrity. I didn't get the job, but she certainly got
some great ideas.

In another interview, I was asked to give feedback on the company web site.
Being a naive college grad I said, "your web site is great; very informative."
The hiring manager looked sorely disappointed because she and I both knew the
Web site needed a major re-design and was filled with inconsistencies. I was
afraid at the time to voice my true opinion. But I realize now that was a "test"
question and should have stated specific ways the company could improve their
site.

-Rupa
--- In asklizryan@yahoogroups.com, "Liz Ryan" <lizinboulder@...> wrote:
>
> Dear folks,
>
> In our Pain Letter virtual workshop this morning, we talked about making
pain-related suggestions to a hiring manager, during a job interview. If we've
already done the work to spot an employer's pain, we're going to be better
equipped than most candidates to make suggestions when we get to the job
interview.
>
> What sorts of suggestions or ideas could we put forth on a job interview? We
don't want to be presumptuous -- we are still in fact-finding mode at that
point, of course -- but if we ask questions like "Have you had any success with
X?" or "I wonder whether your team has given any thought to Y?" we may learn
more about how the business works and leave a positive impression of ourselves,
as well.
>
> Have you made a suggestion to an employer at a job interview? If you did, how
was it received? Please post your thoughts to asklizryan@yahoogroups.com
>
> Thanks! Liz
>

Don't we all wish we could have a magic cure for everything that is wrong with
us! We live in a fast pace, throw away society.  Drive through to get your
burger, prescriptions, or if you prefer, tacos.  There is no magic for
Depression and Nikken Magnets are simply another "quick fix" sales gimmick.
The only PROVEN and clinically researched way to treat Depression is a
combination of counseling, especially with someone who is clinically trained,
and sometimes (not always), medication is needed to help give the depressed
person energy to deal with the CAUSE of the depression.  Sometimes anxiety can
be a symptom of depression.  There are many different types of depression and
there are many different causes.  Someone Licensed and CLINICALLY trained will
know how to identify the CAUSE of the depression and how to treat the person
based on the cause.  BTW Medication is a band aid for depression and does not
make it go away!  There are things on the market that may help a depressed
person feel good for a short time but then the depression comes back because the
CAUSE of the depression is never treated (with counseling). Even exercise can be
a temporary fix. 
The saying, "no work, no gain" applies to depression. 
Marilyn Nadulek
 

I highly recommend Blindside for the entire family. Both my six-year-old and my
fifty-year-old loved it.

--- In asklizryan@yahoogroups.com, "Liz Ryan" <lizinboulder@...> wrote:
>
> Dear friends,
>
> I hope this week includes some relaxation for you! I am very bad about taking
time off. It was hard for me not to schedule a full week of teleseminars and
meetings before Thanksgiving, but I held off, because it is extremely rare for
both of the grownups and all the kids in the house to be around at the same
time.
>
> Finding a movie that we could all see together - that's another matter
entirely.
>
> I am going to make Elana's cranberry bars this week and maybe some yeast bread
if I get the whole house clean and still have energy. I am going to finally
write the Pain Letter E-book,  and check in on my baby niece and my sister in
NJ. I am going to read the latest James Ellroy novel and pack a dozen boxes of
the kids' outgrown clothes for Goodwill. What about you?
>
> Enjoy whatever time off you've scheduled!
>
> yours --
>
> Liz
>

AARP's plans are fine. Most plans work well because they are so heavily
regulated. Here are some extra thoughts for you.



Medicare Advantage plans cost less than Medicare Supplement plans and are
good choices for people who don't have many health issues. If a person tends
to end up in the hospital, then a supplement might be a better choice. You
can check out all your choices on medicare.gov.



Go to http://bit.ly/5TwnVv and you can search all the different plans
available (Medicare Advantage is known as a Medicare Health Plan). Choose
personalized search (you'll need your dad's medicare ID #s, follow the
instructions).



It might ask you to add his medications, so have the list handy. This will
help guide you in what plans are available.



From there you can look at medigap (Medicare Supplements). If you decide to
go with a supplement, make sure you figure out drug costs on Part D (drug
plan). This Part D is included in most Medicare Advantage plans.



The key is to figure your total cost for the year. Annualize the premiums,
add up the typical costs for a year, and get the total number. Next
calculate a "worst case scenario" plan, annualize the premium, add extra
drug costs, add copays for visits and coinsurance for hospital
stays/surgeries (use the maximum out of pocket), then add it up. Do this
with the plans you are comparing and you'll get a feel for which plan would
be the best one.



Good luck.





Robert Slayton, CITRMS, CDHC

Robert Slayton Associates Insurance

www.robertslayton.com

http://www.linkedin.com/in/robertcslayton



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

To help you evaluate this, think of this scenario.  A year from now her 4/5 kids
come to visit you and your one year old.  What do you think those undisciplined
kids will do to your one yr old when they are playing?  Your child will be at
their mercy.  I have seen it happen.

Good luck,
Jim L

--- In asklizryan@yahoogroups.com, Kelly W <kelf15@...> wrote:
>
> I find it increasingly difficult to be around a good friend without feeling
annoyed and frustrated.
>
> She is a stay-home mom of 4 little ones but isn't doing much mothering. She
doesn't clean the kids and they are always sick. She throws food on the floor so
her 7-month-old would craw all over to pick them off the floor and eat them; her
way of occupying her. She leaves the toddlers in front of TV all day; doesn't
discipline, teach, or help them develop. Her 3.5-year-old cannot say a sentence.
I recently had my first baby and don't have time to hang out.  She says "I've
gone through it. I know what it's like, I've had 4 and I still have time". She
has time because she is not doing any work, despite the large quantity of kids. 
I nurse my baby 24/7 while she props them with a bottle (doesn't even hold them)
because she is too lazy to nurse. she acts like she's done it all and I can't be
that busy. It upsets me.
>
> She has no education or career and doesn't want one because she wants to stay
home. I can't stand that she is a stay-home mom only because she is too lazy to
work. But stay-home mom is work too, she is just not doing them.  I asked what
she'll do when kids are grown and don't need her to stay home, her response:
"just have another one!"  Yesterday she said she's pregnant, again... This
method of not having to work irritates me a lot.
>
> As guests at our house she lets her kids jump onto our couch with
> shoes full of mud. And she opens our
> cabinets looking for food without ever asking. She makes inappropriate
comments that bother me.
>
> I'm naturally distanced from her and she is hurt. She wonders why I never call
to hang out. I'm now also afraid to get my baby sick because they're always
sick.  I don't know what to do. I'm often uncomfortable around her. What can I
do, and what can I tell her?
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Hi Kelly,

Wow...I have to ask, why do you consider her a friend?  From the way it
sounds, she isn't one, nor should she.  If her complete lifestyle disgusts
you that badly, why not just lay it out on the table and be done with it?

I couldn't possibly imagine even wanting to deal with a person or situation
such as this, and would have to say that I would toss it all out the window.
  Perhaps some people would have the patience and tolerance to try to help
this woman, but it wouldn't be me :(

Just my 2 cents.

Wow that's a big problem.  I can sympathize with you, a lot of us can probably. 
We've all had acquaintances that just didn't work out as friends for some
reason.  While she's not necessarily abusing her children, I too would be very
uneasy being around this person.  Unless you feel that you can truly help this
person somehow, I would simply tell her that you do not have time to come over
and that frankly, the condition of her home makes you uncomfortable.  The truth
can be softened and tactful, but I would do her the courtesy of not lying and
making things up as excuses.  It's hard when our magic wand is out of order
isn't it?  Your heart breaks for those kids but it might not be your job to fix
the problem, right now.

I had 4 and adopted 3 so most of the time for many years had 7 of my own kids
around and usually some of someone else's around.  My house wasn't spotless but
it wasn't a biohazard either!  Best wishes with your new precious baby.

Allie in Kona

This sounds like neglect. Depending on how well you know her, you may want
be frank and suggest she talk with her doctor and/or pediatrician about
getting some help. The 3.5 year old that cannot say a sentence is a red
flag...that's a pretty significant developmental delay. You may also want to
check out your county resources. They may also be able to help you frame a
conversation with her, should you choose that route. You didn't mention a
dad, but if he is with the family, you may also want to talk with him,
again, depends on how well you know him. You risk losing her as a friend, of
course, if she believes you're just being a 'goody two shoes new mom' and
trying to tell her what to do. These children need a home that provides the
basics...clean clothes, food and a safe environment and it doesn't sounds
like that's what is happening.

At a minimum, you do not have to allow her or her children to behave badly
at your home. Simply say 'we sit on the couch here' and that should end it.
If not, then the visit should be over. You may also try limiting visits with
her to public places (I.e. McDonald's playland, etc.) where the kids can
release some energy while you talk with your friend and she can't rummage
through your cabinets). Good luck...this is a tough one. The kids sound like
they need someone looking out for them.

Hi Kelly,
  I can see where you're frustration comes from. One question I wonder is what
drew you into a friendship with this person? Does she still have those
qualities? Is this new behavior or her? Or have you just become more aware after
having your baby?

My .02 is that you definitely have valid concerns about not wanting your own
baby to be exposed to illness and hope she would understand that.


Michelle

Hello everyone,

I am wondering if anyone has had an experience with this job site 
Inovahire.com?  Apparently they conduct interviews via webcam.  Thank you.

S.Edwards

Hi Kelly,

My experience has been to explain to my friends that everyone handles things
differently, that she is apparently gifted in that area, and that I still have
to learn how to learn do things my own way. As a first-time mom, you're probably
overwhelmed in some ways, and things are getting easier in others. As the
youngest child in my own family who never babysat, I had a difficult time with
my first as well. The very thought of having people over was out of the question
for quite some time.

When she asks why you're not available, just tell her the above, or just meet
her in a neutral location to protect your home and the baby. Have lunch with
her, or go to the zoo or park with the kids. Somewhere outside your home. It's
your responsibility to keep your children safe, even if it means distancing some
people for a while.

Hope this helps!

Deborah

I find it increasingly difficult to be around a good friend without feeling
annoyed and frustrated.

She is a stay-home mom of 4 little ones but isn't doing much mothering. She
doesn't clean the kids and they are always sick. She throws food on the floor so
her 7-month-old would craw all over to pick them off the floor and eat them; her
way of occupying her. She leaves the toddlers in front of TV all day; doesn't
discipline, teach, or help them develop. Her 3.5-year-old cannot say a sentence.
I recently had my first baby and don't have time to hang out.  She says "I've
gone through it. I know what it's like, I've had 4 and I still have time". She
has time because she is not doing any work, despite the large quantity of kids. 
I nurse my baby 24/7 while she props them with a bottle (doesn't even hold them)
because she is too lazy to nurse. she acts like she's done it all and I can't be
that busy. It upsets me.

She has no education or career and doesn't want one because she wants to stay
home. I can't stand that she is a stay-home mom only because she is too lazy to
work. But stay-home mom is work too, she is just not doing them.  I asked what
she'll do when kids are grown and don't need her to stay home, her response:
"just have another one!"  Yesterday she said she's pregnant, again... This
method of not having to work irritates me a lot.

As guests at our house she lets her kids jump onto our couch with
shoes full of mud. And she opens our
cabinets looking for food without ever asking. She makes inappropriate comments
that bother me.

I'm naturally distanced from her and she is hurt. She wonders why I never call
to hang out. I'm now also afraid to get my baby sick because they're always
sick.  I don't know what to do. I'm often uncomfortable around her. What can I
do, and what can I tell her?




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hello All,
 
I am currently looking at medical/drug insurance options for my 89 year old dad
in NJ (with ALZ, in own home with caregiver).  His plan for next year is no
longer being offered in his county.  There are other Medicare Advantage Plans
from his current insurer (Aetna) that may be OK, but as I understand it, at this
time other plans "must" take him since his old plan will not be offered.  I
thought I would at least investigate what's out there to see if they make more
sense for him at this juncture and going forward. 
 
Someone highly recommended the AARP "gap" plan offered through United
Healthcare.
 
Does anyone have personal experience with this plan, good or bad?  Any other
plan suggestions would be welcome.  He needs some kind of drug coverage through
the famous Medicare "D" gap period which is generally generics only.
 
I know this group will be a great help!  Thank you!
 
Diane

1. Nikken Magnets
      Posted by: "ORLY" orlyavidor@... orlyavidor
      Date: Sun Nov 22, 2009 1:00 pm ((PST))

Hello to group members,
Has anyone heard of the Nikken Magnets to treat depression- how
useful/successful? Thanks, Orly A.


Hello Orly,

The only thing that will really help depression is to get to the
source cause and shift from the bottom-line.  I find that depressed
energy is fairly easy to begin to shift (with exercise, maybe even
magnets, placebo, talking, energy healing) but the healthy energy
does not stay strong for very long unless the person knows how to
handle their anxiety and real fears.  What happens is they sink back
into depression as soon as they encounter the anxiety they do not
know how to handle. So any serious attempt to overcome
depressed energy needs to also empower a person with relaxation
skills, assertiveness skills, stress coping skills and a solid
education in physical anxiety reduction.

Doris Jeanette

In our 8-unit Chicago condo building, a couple I'll call Mr. and Mrs, Jones, who
do not live in the building, purchased two units for the purpose of renting them
out. Both units are in Mr. Jones's name only, but Mrs. Jones has been an active
member in our condo association. Our condo declarations and bylaws do not
prevent someone from owning more than one unit or renting units out, and until
recently the situation was not a problem.

The difficulty began when the owners of another unit, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, tried
to refinance their mortgage through Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac. Apparently Fannie
Mae/Freddie Mac is now enforcing a rule that, in condo buildings with fewer than
ten units, one person cannot own more than one unit if those units are being
rented. If Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac agrees to make an exception and let Mr. and
Mrs. Smith refinance, which is unknown at this point, it will cost them an extra
$1,000 up front and $200 per month for the life of the mortgage.

An even bigger problem, which will affect all of our owners, is that this new
rule will drastically shrink the number of prospective buyers of units in our
building. 80% of mortgages are obtained through Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac; due
to the new rule, the vast majority  of prospective buyers would be denied a
mortgage for a unit in our building. This would obviously make selling more
difficult and eventually lower the value of all of our units.

A real estate attorney has advised us that the problem can be easily solved if
Mr. Jones would file a quit claim deed to put one of the units in someone else's
name, most likely his wife. Our condo association has offered to cover the
nominal cost of filing the quit claim deed. Mr. and Mrs. Jones have resisted our
association's efforts to persuade them to file the quit claim, despite them fact
that they too will be negatively impacted when they try to sell one of their
units. They have agreed to consider it at some point; meanwhile, Mr. and Mrs.
Smith's refinancing has been stalled.

Any suggestions on other avenues our condo association could pursue?

Faith explained that she wants to volunteer, especially around the holidays, but
that organizations aren't calling her back.

I encourage anyone in a similar situation to be patient. Keep in mind:

- MANY people have the urge to volunteer around the holidays. Organizations are
typically "over-booked" with volunteers to serve dinner on Thanksgiving and
Christmas but go begging towards the end of January. You might consider helping
out during the less popular sesasons.

- At this time of year, charitable organizations are busier than ever. Demand
for social services tends to rise in November and December, as temperatures drop
and people experience the stress of holiday expectations.

- Churches, in particular, are probably holding extra services, programs, and
concerts. In the flurry of planning all these events, church staff might be
falling behind in returning calls.

- Handling donations of lightly used items also takes time. Someone needs to
sort through them, make sure they're clean and appropriate, and organize/store
them. It may be that the organization doesn't have the capacity right now to
receive any more items.

- Of course, finding and training the right volunteers would help alleviate the
stress. But that in itself takes time. For example, it's not easy to break down
work into 1-2 hour segments, which is what most volunteers can provide.

- Not everyone with a heart for service also has organizational skills. Phone
messages do get deleted accidentally. Phone numbers get lost. People neglect to
get to all items on their to-do lists.

None of this is to discourage you from helping. Just to be sympathetic to those
who are also working to make a difference and might be overwhelmed. Just because
they haven't phoned you back, doesn't mean they don't care.

Janet

Dear friends,

I hope this week includes some relaxation for you! I am very bad about taking
time off. It was hard for me not to schedule a full week of teleseminars and
meetings before Thanksgiving, but I held off, because it is extremely rare for
both of the grownups and all the kids in the house to be around at the same
time.

Finding a movie that we could all see together - that's another matter entirely.

I am going to make Elana's cranberry bars this week and maybe some yeast bread
if I get the whole house clean and still have energy. I am going to finally
write the Pain Letter E-book,  and check in on my baby niece and my sister in
NJ. I am going to read the latest James Ellroy novel and pack a dozen boxes of
the kids' outgrown clothes for Goodwill. What about you?

Enjoy whatever time off you've scheduled!

yours --

Liz

In response to the poster who posted that churches/charities were not
responding to her calls to volunteer this holiday season - many
charities get lots of calls from folks who want to volunteer for the
holiday season, such as thanksgiving, christmas, etc.  Often more
volunteers than they can possibly absorb.  It is during the non-holiday
season when there is a drop off in volunteers that they can really use
volunteers, to help with mail, answering the phone and other clerical
duties.  Try calling again then.

Therese M. Yee